One day a lawyer (юрист) was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass (увидел парня, который ел траву). He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".
The man replied, "I'm so poor (я такой бедный), I can't afford (я не могу себе позволить) a thing to eat."
So the laywer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The layers told him to bring them along (сказал првести их с собой).
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The lawyer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

In a psychiatrist's waiting room (зал ожидания) two patients are having a conversation.
One says to the other, "Why are you here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious (любопытно) and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I was." At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts (в другой стороне комныт кричит), "NO I DIDN'T!"

I'd like (Я бы хотел) to be the last man on Earth (последним человеком).
Then I would know ( тогда я бы знал) if all those girls were telling the truth (говорили мне правду).

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course (на местном корте). One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession (похоронную процессию) on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap (снимает кепку), closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer (кланяется в молитве).
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing (трогательная вещь) I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."